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I gots 8 power point burning a hole in my digital pocket. One promote each for the first 8 jokes that I can take away with me and use IRL at a later date.
If it doesn't make me laugh, try again. If I actually chuckle, laugh out loud, or even crack a smile, I'll give you a promote. Comments  who has this post bookmarked JAPR
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The moral of this story? Only Hue can prevent florist friars.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
That night the mice are talking and one says to the other "wow, thats cool you don't have a tail." "I know!" "I wish I didnt have a tail." "Well you can, just chew yours off." So the mouse does.
The next day the blondes check on the mice and find neither of them have tails. So they decide to cut off the left front paw of one of the mice.
That night a similar conversation takes place between the mice adn in the morning the blondes find both of their mice three-legged with no tails.
This continues until one morning neither of the mice have any legs or tails. "This is getting ridiculous!" one of the blondes finially exclaims,
"I'll tell you what, you take the black one and I'll take the white one."
Michael is sitting in a chair at his barbershop. Worried about his receding hairline, he confides in his barber about what he could possibly do to fix the problem. Hearing his case, the patron in the chair beside Michael leans over and whispers to him "I couldn't help but overhear your problem. I've found that pussy juice always works for me." "But you're balder than I am!" replies Michael, to which the man responds "Yea, but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"
now joke you lacking siftwats
His Mother replies "A little stork brings them."
"Who Fucked the Stork?"
The Aristocrats!
[edit: I can't believe someone voted for this]
That means you should apologize to him immediately for ever doubting his respect for all races.
You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.
ref: Adam Hills, Edinburgh Festival 2009.
Anyone who thinks blankfist made a racist joke, I should probably tell you that he disagrees with liberal policies.
That means you should apologize to him immediately for ever doubting his respect for all races.
I doubt you will win any promotes with joke material like that. Let's pick up the comedy, there snappy.
bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy a single ticket!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please"!
The baby skunk looks over the baby porcupine and says, "Well, you're kind of small, and you waddle around, and you've got long spiky hairs...you must be a porcupine!"
"Wow!"
"Ok, me! Me!" cries the baby skunk.
The baby porcupine looks at the baby skunk. "Well, you're not all black, and you're not all white, and you smell like shit...you must be a Mexican!"
"No, no, no. That's not the way you do it!" the second fleas says. "Here's what you do. You hop into a ladies restroom and hide in a toilet. Then, when a lady sits down, you hop up and you get a nice, warm ride all the way to where you're going!"
"Huh! I'll have to try that..." the first flea responds.
Months later, the fleas bump into each other again, this time in America. "Hey! How are you!" the second flea says. "Did you do what I said?"
"Yeah," the first flea says, dejectedly.
"What? What's the matter?" questions the second flea.
"Well, I did like you said."
"Yeah?"
"I jumped into the toilet, and waited around, and sure enough, a lady came in and sat down. So I hopped up and sure enough, you were right. Nice and warm. But then I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was in a biker's mustache again."
"Excuse me, sir. What are you doing?" the first suited man asks.
"Well," the guy says. "I just found out my wife is cheating on me, I just lost my job, and the bank is coming after me for my mortgage. So I'm going to end it all!"
"Well, I'm sorry to inform you but we are from the Suicide Prevention squad and we just installed these giant, electric fans at the base of the building. So unfortunately, you won't be able to kill yourself."
"What?" the guys says. "I didn't see any fans."
"Here, sir. I'll show you." The first suited man suddenly flings himself over the fence, falls about halfway and is suddenly blown back up to the top of the building.
"Wow!" the guy says. "That looks like fun! Hey let me try!" The guy then throws himself off the edge of the building. The resounding crunch of caved-in car echoes up the between the buildings.
The second suited man looks to the first and says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father.. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads
After dinner, the family having eaten the entire pot of stew, her oldest son runs up to her looking distraught. "What's wrong?", she asks.
"I was just in the bathroom and I think I must have passed a stone!"
"No, it's nothing to worry about. I knocked over your carton of BBs when I was cooking and some of them fell into the stew. You should really be more responsible with your things."
An hour later, her youngest son comes running through the house in a panic.
"Mommy! Mommy! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"
She assures him that it's ok and explains that she spilled BBs into the stew.
Later still, after the kids are in bed, her husband approaches her with a somber look on his face and says, "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this... I'm not even sure what happened..."
"It's alright, dear. Did you pass a BB in the bathroom, too? I spilled some into the stew earlier."
"Uh, no. I farted and shot the cat."
.....because it was dead.
Why did the baby fall out of the tree ?
...because it was stapled to the monkey.
(SPOILER ALERT)
A stick.
"Well, when you were born a rose petal fell from the sky and landed on your head. So we decided to call you Petal."
"Thanks Mommy."
The second daughter came up to her and asked "Mommy, why is my name Feather?"
"Well, when you were born a feather fell down from the sky and landed on your head. So we decided to call you Feather."
The Third daughter came up to her mom and said "wWaaaarghhhGHHHNppppoooooobbbbtTUUUP!!!!"
"Wait your turn Refridgerator!" said the mother.
(SPOILER ALERT)
A stick.
-------------------------------------------
Little boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead flat frog on a leash behind him. He walks up to the Mistress who's eying him curiously, "Uhm.. yes little boy? Can I help you?". The boy looks up and replies, "I want a lady right now, and she better have active herpes.".
"WHAT? I think you better just leave..", to this the boy slams a large set of bills down on the counter in front of him. The lady shrugs noticing the considerable amount of money before her, "Alright, one dirty whore coming up.". With that she sends the boy upstairs.
Later the boy comes walking down the stairs looking rather relieved and begins heading for the door. The lady pipes up, "Kid.. come over here. Now, I can understand wanting to come into this establishment looking for your first time, but.. why on god's earth where you looking to catch disease?".
"Well", the boy replied, "now that I've caught herpes I'm gonna go home back to the baby sitter and she'll catch herpes.". The lady blinks, "W-what?". The boy's eyes narrow looking somewhat perturbed at having to explain further, "Later, my parents will come back and my dad will drive the baby sitter home, and then he'll have herpes.". Once again the lady is shocked at what she's hearing. "By morning my mom will have herpes.", the boy continued. "B-but why? Why would you?", the boy shook his head, "After dad goes to work the mailman will come and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!".
A week later, he suddenly hears screams for help from the ocean. A woman is struggling to stay afloat about 50 meters from the shore, entangled as she is in the remains of an old fishing net. He quickly jumps in the water, swims out, cuts her loose with his pocket knife, and pulls her in to the shore. Her clothes are in tatters, leaving her almost completely naked, and she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. "Oh thank you, you have saved my life!", she exclaims. "I'll do anything for you in return!".
"Great!", he answers. "Could you hold the dog, please?"
As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."
http://www.videosift.com/video/Old-Jews-Telling-Jokes-Broccoli
-redacted-
HAHAHAHA! We have a winner!!!!
At first, they are of course shocked and at a loss for solutions to their problems. The engineer decides staying in the plane is suicide, so he does a few quick calculations in his head and jumps out. Mid-air, he manages to adjust his clothes just so into an airfoil of sorts, and slows his descent to the ground enough to survive.
In the meantime, the priest decides to put his faith in God, and also jumps out, all the time praying. Miraculously, he lands in a haystack and survives.
The engineer and the priest, having found each other on the ground, watch the plane on its way down, and see the mathematician jump out as well. He just falls down unceremoniously, and crashes violently into the ground. Horrified, the two rush to where they saw the mathematician hit the ground, approaching with trepidation. As they arrive at the site, they are extremely surprised to find the mathematician dusting off his clothes, completely unharmed. "How on Earth did you survive that?", they ask.
"Induction", replies the mathematician.
(SPOILER ALERT)
An orange.
(SPOILER ALERT)
Your mom after a night with me.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.
At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
The Psychiatrist looks at the man and says "Clearly, I can see your nuts."
(works much better spoken as it all hinges on the "your", "you're" homonym)
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"
"The Director picks one of the men and tells him that his wife is in the room with the big roman numeral I on it. He nods silently and takes the gun from the Director and walks out. A few minutes later, he comes back in and hands the gun to the Director. 'I can't do it,' he says. 'She was my high school sweetheart and I cannot kill her, no matter what.'
"The Director tells him to leave and never come back. He hands the gun to the second man, who takes it and walks to the room with the roman numeral II on it, as he is told. A few minutes later he returns and is in tears. 'Mr. Director, I am sorry, but I can not do what you ask. As much as I want to work for the CIA, I cannot kill my wife. She is my sole support and I need her.'
"He tells the man to be gone and hands the gun to the third man. After telling him that he could be his deputy director if he accomplishes the task, the man nods and leaves the room. Shortly after the Director hears the door with the roman numeral III shut, he hears the gunfire. Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam. And then there is silence for a few seconds. Immediately following the silence, he hears a loud commotion and some screaming. He hears what he thinks is furniture being overturned and items being broken, but he does not want to interrupt. This goes on for ten minutes and then the noise dies out completely, interrupted by silence. After a minute of silence, the man emerges and the Director asks him what the hell was going on in there. The man said, 'You mistakenly put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the *****.'"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
DUNG!
A carrot!
-
I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said,
"Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there is so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious?"
He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."
I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off.
-
A man is sitting in his easy chair reading the paper, when his eldest daughter, age 9, runs up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Rose?"
He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a rose petal floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Rose."
Just then, his middle daughter, age 7, runs up and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Snowflake?"
He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a snowflake floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Snowflake."
Then, his youngest daughter runs up and says "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH"
And he says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
When it's ajar.
When's a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
...which one doesn't belong?
The cat fish, the rest are crushed-asians.
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
Very good stuff people!!!
"Needs?" asks Tarzan.
"Yes, you know, like... urges... down there?"
"Ah! Yes," Tarzan says, "Tarzan use hole in tree."
"Well, Tarzan," Jane says coyly, "I'm much softer than a tree. I'd like you to do everything to me that you do to the tree!"
"OK," says Tarzan, and gives her a massive kick in the crotch.
Jane screams and writhes in agony for a long time. When she can finally speak again, she asks, "Tarzan, what did you do that for?"
Tarzan says, "Tarzan check for bees."
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork.
(this thread might never die unless measures are taken)
Good! Dead baby jokes are terrible.
Well if it's any consolation, the babies aren't dead when the joke starts
One is assaulted.
After a few hours, they stop to have some tea and warm up. The biologist walks over to the nearest hilltop to get a better look at the scenery. He is completely lost, and asks the Inuit guide to come up to the hilltop to show him some landmarks. As the guide gets up there, he sees a Polar Bear not 30 feet from them on the other side of the hill. He pulls out a Swiss Army Knife, and tells the biologist to slowly back away towards the dogteam, and not to panic.
They retreat to safety, and travel for another hour before stopping for some tea. The biologist turns to the guide and says "You only had a Swiss Army Knife back there. Could you really kill the Polar Bear with it?"
The Inuit guide laughs and responds "No, I wouldn't have killed it if it attacked. All I'd have to do is stab you in the leg."